03 / 27 / 2025 @ 04:28 PM

Quick Vent

I'm complaining about school. I'm putting it under a dropdown just in case you don't want to read that.

Vent below:

I feel awful right now. I can't write. I have a big important essay that has been assigned to me since Februrary, it's due in a few days, and I have barely written 4 pages. I would swear I haven't been procratinating, but this is only half true; I could have done so much more work earlier that I didn't. I feel like crying (I often do) and vomiting every time I look at the document. I feel so, so, so incredibly stupid because I'm struggling, and I'm too scared to admit it because then it'll make me look even duller. I also feel so alone a lot of the time. I'm at a small school, so I see the same people a lot. I am convinced that most people, especially people who I befriended earlier on, hate me, think I'm weird, unsettling. I try so hard to be kind and pleasant to be around, but I don't know if I am connecting with anyone outside of a very, very small handful of people. It's delusional. I know most people who I consider my friends are kind and want me around. But I think my worsened anxious and depressive tendencies brought on by my essay are making me spiral into thinking these things. I keep telling myself to drop out (even though I like the school) or throw myself into a body of water (that won't solve things, it'll make them worse). I am so overwhelmed. I don't want to keep venting all my frustrations to my family and my boyfriend because that's unfair to them. I just want a break again. I want time to calm down.

03 / 20 / 2025 @ 11:17 PM

Still an Update of No Substance!? (Gamer Edition)

HAPPY EQUINOX!!!!

OK. That's aside. This is just an excuse to briefly yap about Yakuza 0.

I'm really, really enjoying this game so far ("so far" meaning nearly 100 hours in). I'm more than halfway through the main story -- I'm currently in Chapter 10 of what I heard is 16-17 chapters, so not THAT deep in, all things considered -- but I've easily spent the bulk of my time doing substories, playing rhythm games, and progressing Cabaret Club Czar. I know that right now I should be tracking Majima's love interest mark-turned-protectee, but this hostess club won't run itself...

I'll admit that I've been probably been thinking more analytically about this game than I have been for my big ole paper due in only a little over 1 week. I know I need to lock in, but I can't get enough of the characters from this wacky soap opera of a crime drama :]

One thing I've been dwelling on is... (Spoilers for Yakuza 0!)

I am not super spoiled on the later titles of the series or their events, but, inevitably, I'm well aware of the people Kiryu and Majima become. I can't speculate much on Kiryu, unfortunately -- I know he spends 10 Years In The Joint, but I can't guess how he ends up there, or how he gets to be the person he becomes. Majima, though... >:) The thought came to me after the encounter with Nishitani in the Cabaret Grand. I knew enough about Y1-onward Majima to IMMEDIATELY clock him as some kind of foreshadowing (fauxshadowing?) for the kind of person Majima becomes. I mean, like, he's got the knife! The thought I had, though, was that Majima must have seen the man Nishitani was, and he wanted to adopt that as a persona. After all, it's pretty much stated that Nishitani is a loose canon that does whatever he pleases; the yakuza have little power to do anything about it, yet they keep him around because he's useful sometimes. After all, Nishitani managed to orchestrate the murder of Makoto's body double, so clearly he isn't just 'le batshit crazy joakr!!' Majima's whole thing, so far, has been that he's been kicked around and used as a pawn over and over again. His oath brother got arrested or killed on a mission that was changed under his feet; he was tortured for a year for disobeying his superiors; he's trapped in a job and city he hates with seemingly no way out. And these are just the examples before the main story even begins; he absolutely continues to suffer the consequences of doing what he wants to do, rather than doing what his superiors want of him. So what better way to stop being a pawn then to stop playing the game altogther? Nishitani did it, intentionally or not, and clearly Majima wanted to have the same freedom. I do believe the whole 'Mad Dog' thing is a persona, but I don't know enough about older Majima to accurately gauge this. I'm purely going off of vibes here.

That's about it. I should put this effort into writing about the works of Plato instead...

02 / 27 / 2025 @ 04:20 PM

Health Stuff

This is such a silly random thought, but it's crazy how doing things for your health actually helps you feel better.

Obviously, the advice of "make sure to eat well and shower!" is kind of tough when you've got issues like depression or executive dysfunction, where, even if you want to and/or know you should, you just can't. I get that, because I've been there many a time before. (I'm shocked my teeth are as healthy as they are.) But goddamn, it's so strange seeing that making sure your skin isn't dry, and that you're drinking enough water, going outside, moving around, engaging in hobbies, talking to friends, not eating too much or too little... all of it actually makes you feel happier! It shouldn't. But somehow it does. It almost feels like cheating.

How peculiar.

(i know nobody is waiting on this but YES i will write a real life update someday shut up TToTT)