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2023-24
11 / 25 / 2024 @ 05:30 PM

Brain Slop: The Squeakuel

Yakuza 0 is a fun game! I love the story, and the substories are rather funny. The combat certainly isn't the most enthralling of the games I've played, but I love The House In Fata Morgana; I hardly care. A good narrative is enough to compel me. I did have a recent setback where I lost a good chunk of progress, so that's put me off of playing for a bit. I have a break soon, so perhaps I'll get back into it then.

I look forward to said small break, but it's ultimately superficial. I still have essays to complete. True respite still lies several weeks ahead, if all goes well. Coming with the break and winter is Christmas, which, though I don't admit it, is my favorite holiday. I love the carols and warmth and food. Something that reminds me of my family an ocean away.

I at least will get to see my friends while I return home. Alas, my boyfriend is away, but digital presence is sufficient for the time being. It has been much longer since I've seen my friends, and I look forward to laughing with them again. The people here are fun and welcoming, but I have yet to find a person which my innards are safe with.

The people that surround me here percieve me as "chill" and "kind". Do these words apply to me? It may just be the way I depict myself around them (not a dishonest one, but different from my bolder personality an hour away), or maybe it's in contrast to themselves. I've always thought myself a panicked recluse. Maybe I'm just bad at self evalutation. My teachers would agree.

Today I had the fortune of honest feedback. I'm grateful for the opportunity -- being an illustrator and writer, live on criticism -- and most of the response was kind and constructive. Some was more positive, some was more lukewarm. The only remark that stung me was entirely a subjective observation: that I seemed not to be passionate, that my interests were not apparent. I know the remark was not intended to be harmful, but it caught me off-guard. Once again, I've thought myself to be a very enthusiastic person who's almost irritatingly obvious about their love of art. Perhaps I was wrong about that, too..

I speak of art. There is a project someone I know has, that very sadly has not updated. Perhaps I will write to him. He is a mentor, after all. It does not hurt to ask about his ideas. I also hope to visit him soon, so that encourages me to keep writing my creative work, something I haven't dedicated much time to lately. If I find the time between essays, I will.

10 / 05 / 2024 @ 11:52 PM

Brain Slop

I love my friends and my family and my boyfriend so so so much! I keep saying it but I am so grateful to have them in my life!!!

I'm homesick sometimes, but I like where I am right now and the people I'm with, so I'm not unhappy. But I do sometimes dearly miss the people who I cherish at this point in my life, too. One of them had a near death experience recently, so I guess it's a reminder how fragile and uncertain life is. It's frightening, but I'm glad everyone I care for is doing well as of now.

I was stressed a lot more earlier; I've since gotten used to my routine and feel relatively stable. Sometimes I'm stressed but that's to be expected. I have less time for some things now, like art and writing and looking at media outside of coursework for my own enjoyment, which is a real bummer, but I still keep up with it when I find the time. I do feel a bit guilty, but I'm making my best effort, just as I am with work. Maybe I should try to find the time to add more of my writing and art on this site. I don't update enough, but it's also not very high on my personal priority and hobby list.

I've been thinking a lot about my own characters and my boyfriend's. It's fun to daydream and imagine what to do. My favorite teacher (and I guess a sort of informal writing mentor) told me to write as I walk -- to think about what to do next. I suppose I've been doing that, although maybe not in the way he meant, by doodling and writing ideas in margins of a language textbook during class when I should probably be more focused on figuring out how to properly translate sentence 2.c.

I think that's all I have right now. Quick brain slop (slop is one of the funniest words in the English language). That is all. I want to write more soon.

08 / 25 / 2024 @ 05:49 PM

Reminiscing, Briefly

I guess since I moved out, I've been been thinking a little bit about my fond memories of home.

The many years I spent with my dear family.

All the afternoons and evenings I talked to my parents, whether it was my father in the basement or my mother in the bedroom, about whatever was on my mind.

Every time that cried in their presence and was comforted, whether it was serious or banal.

Spending time with my brother, whether we were competing over something ridculous or talking about a series we had just watched huddled around a monitor or sprawled in front of a televison.

What the trees and flowers nearby look like in each season, and what creatures call down from them.

The spicy smell of red decay in the fall after rainfall.

The stillness, near slumber, of when the area is graced with a rare snowfall.

The sweet melody of birds in the spring, then the wavering song of cicadas in the late, balmy August, heralding the end of summer.

Every time I spent with my friends -- recent or past, current or former.

Walking over to the house of a neighborhood girl, spending time talking and watching television.

Sharing in the interests of the girls in I was friends with when I was thirteen, wondering now where life has taken them.

The people I have befriended recently, and in one instance fallen in love with, wandering warm afternoons and nights wherever we wished to go.

...

There is no particular point to this post. Simply that, now that I am confronted by the future, I'm remembering the past. Part of my life has now ended and I am eulogizing it, hoping that what follows is only better.

07 / 16 / 2024 @ 08:?? PM

A Response to Something I Read

I promised to nobody in particular that I'd write about myself, but I'm delaying that to write about something else on my mind.

(...but i'm transcribing this response later, though -_-")

06 / 24 / 2024 @ 12:16 AM

Gaming and Summer Stuff

I didn't hold up my promise of writing soon (-_-);;

Oh well! I'm using any opportunity I can to write.

I want to write about everything that's happened in my life since mid-March, but that would be an task tantamount to asking me to describe it all in two minutes -- insurmountable. Especially considering how a lot of it is more about personal milestones and whatnot, I don't know how comfortable I am sharing it, even if it's just shouting into the void; it might be listening, or god forbid, it might respond.

I can share general things though. I've been going out with friends a LOT more than I used to, which has been very pleasant. I'm going to be moving out soon. Summer has been kind to me in that I haven't had to work too much, though I still need to fill out a bunch of school related forms, and I need to find some art commission job for pocket money (because my personal human value lies in capital). I'm going to take on a couple personal projects, like paint a 3D model I got as a gift and write a short story from start to finish.

I could probably share more philosophical opines or whatever, but I'm not up to that right now; I'm too tired. If you want to fill in the gaps, you can scroll aimlessly through my status.cafe and piclog accounts. I might do some cool, meaningful reflection some other time. Maybe. Perhaps you'll see my thoughts and feelings reflected in my creative writing, if I ever muster the strength to post it here.

'Til then, peep my cool Kenshi group :)

Alright. I hope that didn't make me seem like the shallowest man alive. Wish you well!

03 / 17 / 2024 @ 10:32 PM

Another Sparse Update

Once again, I finally update my webiste after half a year of radio silence. I think it's a pattern, at this point.

Like before, not a ton has happened. Just a lot of small things. Because of that, I'm using the bullet points like I did last time.

This is less specific than the last one, I know. I think it's because more time has passed. It's both less and more than it feels like it is.

That's all from me for now. I hope to write again relatively soon.

09 / 16 / 2023 @ ?:??

Real Quick Ramble

So I have nothing actually refined to say, just a bunch if random thoughts to jot down. Here they are:

Well, there you have some of the things floating around in my head. Nothing too deep, clearly (^ ^);

I hope you have a beautiful day :)

07 / 19 / 2023 @ ?:??

2-Minute Fixations

I don't really like bothering the people I know about what I'm really into at the moment, so I'm writing about it here.

As the title implies, this isn't about things I've maintained long term interest in, like NieR, nor is it about recent hyperfixations that have lasted a few months, like my unfortunate ongoing Jerma era. These are small things that I get interested in for a few weeks before inevitable dropping.

Right now, I'm sort of into Frutiger Aero. If you don't know what that is, and you don't want to search it up, it's basically the style that was common around the mid 2000s to early 2010s in graphic design. Think Windows 7 or the Wii.

It's really corny, kinda ugly, and heavily filtered through nostalgia lenses, but like.. you have to admit, there's a charm to this:

When I get access to a proper computer again, I'm thinking of designing a mock-up of a desktop in this style. Might be fun.

Speaking of art, I also found Valve's Dota 2 character design guide.

GODDAMNIT, IT'S SO GOOD.

It's my current Bible. All the info in it is a wonderful write-up that I'm currently trying to practice and utilize in my own work. My first attempt at using it can be seen in my little fanmade Mr. Green design:

(If you don't know who he is, go search it up. Now. Some of the funniest stuff I've seen in ages.)

I think I'll keep using it, just not as obsessively as I do at this point in time.

...

I'm not sure how to close this one off. Have a good day, I guess :P

07 / 18 / 2023 @ ?:??

Time

I would try to be eloquent here, but I'm not entirely sure how to represent my feelings without either sounding detached and overwrought, so I'll just write something quick in the manner I would talk to someone in, even at the risk of sounding like I'm spewing stoner pseudo-philosophy:

Good lord, time is scaring me.

I'm not old by any means, contrary to what my name might imply, but I'm old enough by now to have the pressures of time sinking in -- and I'm failing to keep up with it.

I should get a job. I should do research and write applications. I should spend more time with my family, seeing how they're growing up (or growing old) quickly.

Hell, I'm an ADULT in a few months' time. I don't even know where to begin with thinking or acting like one.

I know, I know, a lot of people say you aren't truly an adult until you're 26 or 27, but that has its own issue: I struggle to even imagine myself living that long.

Now, anyone pulls up the hotline, I don't mean this in a morbid way. What I mean is that I cannot fathom what it would be like to be that age, nor can I realistically imagine where I would be or what I would be doing.

Would I be the same strange creature, for better or for worse?

I don't know. I can't know. (I'm not sure if I would want to, with where the world is going.)

I hope that, wherever the path leads, it's not somewhere all that bad.

05 / 07 / 2023 @ ?:??

Exams

I, being a sane, rational human creature, detest tests.

This isn't a hot take. Not even lukewarm. It's colder than the deepest bowels of Hell itself.

I wish I had something meaningful to say about it, such as a reflection on why the education system of teaching for tests is awful, or a sharing of my personal experience with exams, but I really don't. I'm doing it entirely because this is how I'm feeling at this moment.

They happen all the time, and I complain about every single one of them. Except, this case is special. I have some bigger things coming up, so I'm not just complaining to friends or family this time: I'm going to complain to the internet.

The stuff I have to do is a lot of essay writing. Normally, this would be great! I like writing, despite the fact that it takes me hours of scratching my head and scouring the barren lands of my mind to generate something, but I typically get good feedback once all is said and done. Problem is, I don't get that luxury; it's all timed. Plus, it's a short time frame, it's all in pen, and I'll probably be both stressed and mentally fried.

There's also not a whole lot I can do to prepare either, besides obessessively read the same notes that I know won't help me yet again. Maybe I'll make a plea to Sprax or something. He's not a god, per se, but I'll take anything at this point.

Anyway. Hopefully things will go okay, and I'm hoping I'll at least pass. If you yourself have any exams or whatnot (or anything going on, really), best of luck and good wishes to you.

03 / 25 / 2023 @ ?:??

Thoughts on Writing

For whatever reason, unfortunately, I get easily embarassed when sharing my writing.

The act putting my writing out into the world itself isn't frightening, but rather, the thought of someone not just reading it, but responding to it and having feelings surrounding it is, honestly, kind of terrifying.

"Well, that's rather silly," you might say. "If you want to be any kind of writer, don't you haveto share what you make?"

...And to your remarks, my friend, I would vehemently agree. I do wish to share my ideas in some capacity, and I hope that whatever I make might be well-recieved, yet paradoxically, having someone read what I make makes me feel sick to my stomach. When I share something with someone, especially something that is in any way a reflection of me or what I like, I can only fixate on how horrible it was that I shared it, and that I must have done something terribly wrong. To put it simply, it's not an enjoyable state of mind.

Even with my progress in other areas where I'm nervous, I still find myself struggling here. I hope that putting things on my Neocities page might help me overcome this fear, or if not, that it will at least serve as a way of me "publishing" in a manner that doesn't make me too nervous.